A Fat Gay

I have had a case of writer’s block lately. That does not bode well for a blogger. Then the other day as I was driving down the road it hit me. I giving you the bird’s eye view of my mother’s womb! Yes indeed, you are seeing it first. Well, I mean I saw it first, but you know what I mean.

Yes, my siblings and I make up quite a little circus. We should charge for our story I think. There is me. The oldest. And a big ole lesbian. Then there is my younger brother. He is the middle kid. White dude with 3 fingers. Long story. Another time. then there is our “accidental” sibling. The mixed race child. He is about 15 years our junior. Give or take. We all are close despite the age difference if you were wondering. My mother’s womb sounds like the beginning of a great joke, “hey, you hear the one about the lesbian, black kid, and white dude with 3 fingers?” Truth is, it’s pretty damn comical if I do say so myself. And wow, we all love chicks! Talk about sharing the good times. .

My youngest brother is about to graduate high school and play college football. That’s if he can keep his mind off all the girls that he thinks adore him! Then again, he may not play college ball. Who knows? These kids today change their minds like the wind blows. I do know one thing for sure, without those two, my life would be boring!!

So, most of you homosexuals out there know what “the gay beat” means. It’s that incessant boom boom boom that makes your heart thump before you even enter the club. You know when your standing in line to pay your ridiculous cover charge, you can feel your insides bouncing and you begin to develop the attitude in line?   Oh yes, the ATTITUDE. You know the one. When you are on the dance floor struttin’ your stuff and you refuse to smile. You have that sexified face on like you are the king/queen of the floor. Lips puckered, eyes slightly squinted, body movin all hot. We all do it. Well, there are those pitiful people who go out on the dance floor and laugh and talk and shit like that. That is not the purpose of the dance floor.

Now back to the gay beat. It is hard to find a good gay beat on the radio these days unless you happen to catch a college station playing some underground stuff. Through all the hip hop and rap, you may stumble upon a good beat. Well, that’s exactly what I have done. And no, it’s not Madonna, because that is just a given! It’s the Black-eyed Peas new single, Boom Boom Pow. Right smack in the middle of the track is a hot gay kinda techno beat. Gays are important people and I am almost certain Fergie did this show love for us. Look, it’s my blog and I will have my own damn theories, okay? Seriously it’s a hot track and you should check it out. Straighties can check it out too, I mean One Love is my motto.

~~~Djfunkyslick

Have you ever noticed that a large portion of the population has zero social tact? People are constantly saying inappropriate things, whether it be intentional or not, dumb things are spoken. Of course I have an example.

When I was 20 years old, I was in an extremely bad car accident. I spent two months in the hospital, part of the time in physical rehab. Anyways, when I was released, I was in a wheelchair due to the fact that I had a very bad break in my femur and had a metal rod in my leg and a screw in my hip. (A screw in my hip..hahahah.) Okay, seriously though, it was rough for awhile until I learned to walk with a walker, crutch then cane. The point of people’s ignoramosity, yes I just made that word up, is this.

One day I had to go buy new mattresses. So I wheeled my chunky ass into the mattress store with my partner at the time. She pushes me in because I also had a broken clavicle and could not wheel myself. I had to clarify so you didn’t think I was a lazy pig that couldn’t wheel myself around. We are shopping and the sales guy comes up to us to bother us and get a sale. I get it, it’s his job. We all know the sales people make small talk, right? Well, no how are you. No, how was your drive? No, you find the place okay? The socially bankrupt moron says, and I quote, “you gonna be in that thing forever?” What the f… did he just say? Are you gonna be a pencil dick mattress wank forever? That’s what I wanted to spew from my angry gay mouth, but being so stunned, I could only mutter, “NO.” A self righteous lesbian would not have let him get away with that! I blame it on the meds.

~~~djfunkyslick 00:21:00

If I had a dollar for everytime someone asked me, “when did you know you was gay?” I could retire right now to that homo haven on the beach, Key west. Seriously, my next reply is going to be, when did you know you were a heterosexual? A breeder? even though some part of me understands the curiosity of it all, I just prefer a little more intelligence regarding the issue.  Just a little. Like you could ask me, how did you feel when you first realized this? I then would more than likely incorporate the time frame in my answer. I am not sure why it bugs me so much, maybe I’m just a bitch. Well, I am gay so there has to be SOME kind of character flaw, right?

To answer that question for all of you out there wondering, I knew something was a little wacky in second grade. I did not know what it was at the time, but I was strangely drawn to my second grade teacher. And looking back, blauugh, I don’t know why! I was a little kid who didn’t know any better. Thank God my taste got better with age. So, as I said, something was weird, I didn’t know what, but boys were ucky. They were fun to push into the gym wall and slam the dodge ball against their little bodies. But that’s about it. Speaking of dodge ball, the sado-massichistic gym teacher we had implemented boys vs. girls in this barbaric game. At a catholic school to boot! I guess when you are not having sex you have to get your jollies some how. And small children hurldling through the air, landing on their faces against that waxy gym floor was a ton o’ fun for you. Anyways, I was always the last girl standing against 5 or 6 boys. Of course I never won because they all ganged up on me and threw the balls so damn hard I didn’t have a chance in hell. Oh, sorry Sister Marie De Lis. A chance in heck. Was this the beginning of the lesbian plot? A group of boys with hard flying balls aiming at my face?

HAPPY EASTER~~~~

djfunkyslick

MyFace or SpaceBook, Twitter, Oh mY!! Really I do know that it’s called Facebook and Myspace so don’t jump on me now. I am a member of both and I just joined the Twitter craze. Why you ask? Well at first I was being rebellious and refused to join the group. But, slowly but surely as more people kept talking about it and I would randomly hear, “uh, yeah, follow me on Twitter.”  Therefore, I felt like I was missing something. Ya know, like when you leave the party first. You just know you are missing all the great stuff.

So I guess I am “twatting” now. Jesus, I think that’s what it’s called. People have to be interested in following my “twat,” in order to communicate. HAhahahahaha…doesn’t it always work out that way? I mean really, who in the hell came up with these terms for god sake? How can I ask my mom if she “twatted” today? I am not too old for the soap in my mouth ya know. So, I think I will leave it between us. I just did it to see what it was like. Similar to the, “one time in college” phenomena.

I am convinced I have the demon in hell puppy. She has an extra toe, a broken hoo-ha, barks in her sleep, and for the love of Pete, devours the cat poop. I have an enclosed kitty box so that my little kitty cats can have some privacy, but this dog has to take her ass in the little door and waddle around in the litter. Then, as if bringing me some prize, prances to us with her giant cat turd dangling from her mouth. UGH!! Disgusting. Gross gross gross. We scoop and scoop and yet she somehow knows when we missed a kitty bowel movement and dives right in. Carolyn is at her wit’s end and ready to just boot the puppy out. Often you can hear Carolyn yelling, “you gross dirty little pig!” I myself am not enjoying finding the lone kitty turd laying by the washer with specks of litter stuck to it. This is my punishment for being gay isn’t it? A simpleton, moronic puppy. Hell on earth. There, all the right wingers got their wish.

And I finally signed us up for dog insurance. Quite the cost I must say, however, I believe cheaper in the long run should anything bad happen. Like if at any moment she develops a second head, or starts meowing from all the cat doo.  It could happen.

–djfunkyslick

All the complaining I did about Carolyn raising the ante on my childhood card game and I won $50 bucks on Saturday. The party went well, people had fun, ate food and used the hot tub. This makes me happy. However, 30 feet bumping against mine in the hot tub does not thrill me. I have learned that people do not respect personal space. Once they enter into the hot tub they become morons. I am not trying to be mean, but Jesus Christ on a crutch! Sit in your seat and keep your feet in front of you. This is not an Olympic style pool where you can backstroke across the damn thing. I just want to sit and relax. And I just know somebody peed in there. I am gonna get that purple dye that follows their asses when they piddle in my pool or my hot tub. LMAO. Not really, but I will threaten it. Maybe that will make people hold onto their bladders. This is just a ramble. It was not meant to start out that way, but sometimes you gotta just bitch. Ya know?

Back to the puppy for a minute. I have decided to get insurance for her. I know it wont cover pre-exisiting conditions, but with her, it’s a damn good thing to do. This dog will come up with some rare unheard of disease that will cost a catrillion dollars. So, better safe than sorry. I will keep you all posted on the pup, Roxy.

-Djfunkyslick

So I am having a little get together this evening. Not sure how this is gonna play out with the hymen situation with puppy, but it should be okay. She is on medication so we shall see. And no, it’s not a bunch of homos gathering around the fire to sacrifice small animals and pray to the moon gods above. It’s my girlfriends family coming over to play cards. Now here is the kicker. WhenI first taught this card game to my girl, Carolyn, it was a very different game then it is now. See, it’s called “Chase the Ace.” You play with a piddly .15 cents. This way the kids can get involved and all. You know, like a happy loving get together? Well, not for Miss Carolyn! I taught her the game and she said, “.15 cents? Who the hell wants that?” 10 people playing and you can rake in some cash was my answer. Fun and games right? Well, she has now made it so the ante is $15 bucks! I now have to save for 2 months before I can play my childhood game. I mean, do we have a gambling issue here? Anyways, now the pot is like $50 bucks each hand, so this is a party that constitutes adult beverages and chips. Well, I might make some dip or something else, hell I can’t afford the dip if I gotta ante up. Let’s hope I win some of this cash tonight so I can pay for puppy’s broken hymen. I’m off to chase the ace.

Djfunkyslick

Ok look, I know you are thinking something ridiculous right now, but I am in distress mode right now. I purchased a puppy in February and this little girl has had any and everything imaginable wrong with her. Parvo, tapeworms, bladder infection, and now, NOW, a broken hymen! What the hell kind of dog did I get? are you kidding me with this broken hymen? Apparently, this is an affliction that affects lots of female puppies. I have never heard of this and I think my vet made it up because I’m gay. Kidding! But seriously, her hymen has a hole in it and is causing bladder infections and spontaneous peeing. And by spontaneous, I  mean while she is asleep on my lap. For pete sake. Anyways, she needs surgery and that will cost a million I am sure. Say a prayer people. She IS the neighborhood gay dog.

So I am trying to get in shape. Yes I know, it surprises me too! However, I am going to Tybee Island this summer with my girlfriend and her family. We have been together 8 years now and this will be the first “whole family” vacation I am embarking upon. Good lord, I better lose the weight now because once I get there, I’m gonna be so stressed out, I will eat the drywall.  But I digress. Yeah, I bought a bike. A mountain bike. Who in the hell do I think I am? I have not been on a bike in years. And now I proceed to take my fat ass to the store, buy a fancy mountain bike that has all these gears that I have no clue what they do, and I take it home. I put it in the garage, and admired the beauty of it. Red and black with chrome down the sides. A true lesbian bike. A boys bike of course. I aint no sissy. I lost my virginity to a boys bike for God sake. I’m rambling again. So, I want to test this thing out, but I have to make sure before I straddle this thing with my log legs that no one in the neighborhood is out in their yards peering at me. They all do ya know because I’m the neighborhood gay. I begin to scour the street for anyone out and about and when the coast is clear, I lift my gargantuan hamhock over the seat of the bike. OWWWW!! Jesus Christ on a crutch that hurt. I just know someone is watching me wince in pain and almost fall to the left side from the inproportionate weight distribution. hard part over, I raise my girth upon that ridiculous seat. Why, for the love of pete, must they make these seats so friggin’ hard? Success. I am on the seat, I start to peddle and realize it all comes back. You never forget. Yet as I am riding down the street, big ole smile on my face ‘cuz I’m working out, looking at all the neighbors thinking, oh yeah, I’m ridin my bike while you sit on your porch and gossip, I come to a horrid realization. My ass hurts.  The seat is hard and the sheer force of my girth is pushing me even harder on this brick. I surely expect a tire to blow any minute. then I realize, my ass has swallowed the whole damn seat. There is no seat to be seen from behind. What a sight to behold. The fat gay gasping for breath on her mountain bike with no seat.