A Fat Gay

So I am trying to get in shape. Yes I know, it surprises me too! However, I am going to Tybee Island this summer with my girlfriend and her family. We have been together 8 years now and this will be the first “whole family” vacation I am embarking upon. Good lord, I better lose the weight now because once I get there, I’m gonna be so stressed out, I will eat the drywall.  But I digress. Yeah, I bought a bike. A mountain bike. Who in the hell do I think I am? I have not been on a bike in years. And now I proceed to take my fat ass to the store, buy a fancy mountain bike that has all these gears that I have no clue what they do, and I take it home. I put it in the garage, and admired the beauty of it. Red and black with chrome down the sides. A true lesbian bike. A boys bike of course. I aint no sissy. I lost my virginity to a boys bike for God sake. I’m rambling again. So, I want to test this thing out, but I have to make sure before I straddle this thing with my log legs that no one in the neighborhood is out in their yards peering at me. They all do ya know because I’m the neighborhood gay. I begin to scour the street for anyone out and about and when the coast is clear, I lift my gargantuan hamhock over the seat of the bike. OWWWW!! Jesus Christ on a crutch that hurt. I just know someone is watching me wince in pain and almost fall to the left side from the inproportionate weight distribution. hard part over, I raise my girth upon that ridiculous seat. Why, for the love of pete, must they make these seats so friggin’ hard? Success. I am on the seat, I start to peddle and realize it all comes back. You never forget. Yet as I am riding down the street, big ole smile on my face ‘cuz I’m working out, looking at all the neighbors thinking, oh yeah, I’m ridin my bike while you sit on your porch and gossip, I come to a horrid realization. My ass hurts.  The seat is hard and the sheer force of my girth is pushing me even harder on this brick. I surely expect a tire to blow any minute. then I realize, my ass has swallowed the whole damn seat. There is no seat to be seen from behind. What a sight to behold. The fat gay gasping for breath on her mountain bike with no seat.