A Fat Gay

In fourth grade, I would strut around the schoolyard in my red Michael Jackson “Beat It” jacket. It had exactly 27 zippers, just like the King of Pop’s jacket. To say I loved him is an understatement. I idolized him, emulated him, cried over him, devoured every Michael Jackson poster and pin I could find. Then, one day, my mom came to me and said, “we have tickets to the Michael Jackson concert.” I think I blacked out for a moment and then just waited for the day. I envisioned him calling me onstage to moonwalk with him, because I could do it so well. It was 1984 and I was now in 6th grade. It was the Victory Tour with the Jackson 5. I sat in that stadium so excited, I could hardly breathe. My mom knew I was going to blow her eardrums out so she had cotton stuffed in her ears. The lights dimmed, the crowd roared so loudly I couldn’t hear my own voice. I was so excited I almost threw up. Smoke was all over the stage as Michael’s brothers took their places. Everyone was in place except for Michael. I was dying. Then, from the bottom of the floor, into the air stood this perfect smoky figure with sequined pants and a white glove. Michael Jackson was rising from the floor of the stadium and I began to cry. I could not even help myself, the tears just flowed. I screamed so loudly I just know he heard me as he began to break out with “Wanna be startin’ somethin.” I felt connected. I felt his prescence and always have since that day. I have remained a tried and true MJ fan for 25 years. Even through the weird stages and false accusations, this lesbian was in love with Michael Jackson. When I heard of his death I had no words. Only more tears for the talent and the tragedy of his life. I never saw this coming and I am in disbelief and shock. The drug addiction is hard for me to acknowledge, but it appears I am going to have to swallow this pill..pun intended. I mourn the loss of a consumate professional, an icon like no other, a friend to the world, a man whom you never saw angry, a man who never had the chance to “be normal.” I still hear that faint goodbye from his concert so many years ago, “goodbye, goodnight, I love you all.”  I love you too Michael. May you finally have peace.

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